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Current Article:

Making the Most of Compliments

Archived Articles:

Performance Appraisal Blues

How Do You Know When It's Time to Call It Quits?

Manage Your Mind and Manage Your Time

Is Employee Counseling for You?" (Or... The Path to EAP)

Well-Mannered Job Interviews and the Art of Question-Asking

Your Island of Genius at Work

Do Your Suffer From Loose Boundaries?

Career Column: Making the Most of Compliments

Have you been receiving too many compliments lately? Probably not. Have you been giving too many compliments? I doubt that scenario also. Compliments are a just a set of words that provide helpful information to motivate behavior. Research suggests that this kind of human word-processing on an emotional level actually increases our endorphins, the "feel good" chemical in the brain of both giver and receiver. But we don't need brain research to tell us that altruism or genuine helpfulness, even in the simple form of compliments, just feels pretty darn good. So why do we hold back on giving compliments and seem to have difficulty receiving compliments at times? The short answer is faulty thinking and fear. But rather than go into the dynamics of fear, which is indeed a powerful motivator of human behavior, let's just "feel the fear" and think differently anyway. We'll zero-in on some common sense tips for giving compliments in the workplace and receiving them fearlessly.

GIVING COMPLIMENTS
Let's consider some of the main reasons for giving sincere, effective compliments in the workplace:

to help assure that a job well-done will be noticed and continued
so the giver will stand out and be remembered (such as in a job interview)
so the receiver may develop the confidence needed to fine tune a skill

New supervisors often think that just saying "thank you" to an employee is enough. A genuine and effective compliment addresses individual behavior, specific competence, or contributions. Here are some examples of effective and no as effective compliments:

LESS EFFECTIVE
Thank you.
You're a good interviewer.
I like your work.

MORE EFFECTIVE
Thanks again for 100% accurate data in your report.
I'm glad that I could rely on you to start on time.
Your work is above the quality of other beginners.

THE WELL-RECEIVED COMPLIMENT
Have you ever given someone a compliment and ended up wishing you hadn't? If so, it is probably because the receiver said something that created an awkward or conflicting moment for you. Would you, as the giver, be more likely or less likely to compliment that person after that? We each know the answer. Just as giving a compliment can serve as a source of empowerment, so can receiving a compliment. A compliment well received demonstrates social grace, diplomacy, even courage. One of two different approaches can be applied to receiving a compliment effectively: A closed-end response consists simply of the magic KISS (Keep It Short and Simple...unless it's a loved one or someone who can literally be kissed outside the workplace). The words "Thank you" or "I appreciate that" are effective closed-end responses. Eye contact and a smile, along with this basic approach, paints a warmly authentic picture of the receiver. Avoid the mistake of following such a brief response with controversial remarks (best for a separate conversation) or anything that puts yourself down or takes away from the compliment; we're all tempted at times, but can make a conscious decision to keep quiet and not do this.

An open-end response is one that figuratively opens the door for more helpful feedback. In some ways it does the giver of the compliment a favor by providing an opportunity to be more effective. The open-end response often takes the form of a question. For example, "Thanks. Can you tell me what I did, specifically, that you liked?" An open-end response in the form of a statement could be, "I've often wondered how you felt about my work in that area and I'd appreciate more detail." The receipt of this information can be followed up with "I appreciate your feedback." Or, "Okay, that's helpful to know and I'll keep in it mind."

GIVE YOURSELF AND SOMEONE ELSE A BOOST
If you change the way that you think about compliments, compliments can change you. Most adults were not sent to charm school. Many of us grew up as the children of parents who did not lavish us with compliments, so opportunities abound in adulthood to practice and grow from the skills of effectively giving and receiving compliments. Don't miss your chance. Try giving at least one effective compliment every day to a supervisee, a co-worker and even your supervisor (called "managing your boss"...wink-wink). Since research has found that an altruistic compliment can affect chemical neurotransmitters in the brain, why not do yourself a favor and "rev up" these feel-good chemicals by dealing with compliments more often. You'll feel better, whether sending or receiving. And who doesn't want to feel good?

Debi Carter-Ford is a professor of psychology and consultant to management in the areas of applied psychology and employee training. Questions and comments may be sent to careers@dunsonandassociates.com.

Career Column: Performance Appraisal Blues

Dear Career Advisor:

I've been on my job for a little over a year and recently completed my annual performance appraisal. The process left me feeling deflated. I don't agree with some of the ratings so I would like to dispute them and get more feedback. Although my scores were slightly better than average, my overall rating wasn't the best that it's been. I received higher ratings at my previous job. How could this be when I keep getting better at my work every year? Should I just accept the current ratings or ask for a second look? In any case, what can I do to return to the high level of morale and motivation that I felt prior to the appraisal?

Broken Spirit

Dear Spirit:
Your interest in receiving more feedback on your recent performance is commendable. It shows that you value effective feedback. You obviously desire to be personally and professionally well-informed. Information is power in this case, as there seems to be nothing wrong with your overall performance. I once worked in a professional position in which the skill of "seeking clarification and information" was specifically included on the performance appraisal. Your own professional savvy is showing in the fact that you are now seeking clarification and guidance through this column. Any request for more feedback from your supervisor on personal performance will also be an empowering action. It can give you an opportunity to get information that leads to self- improvement. What employer wouldn't appreciate that? Kudos for your drive and courage. Your morale is another story.

Worker morale is affected more by self-talk than by the fleeting comments or assessments that others say or write. What do you say when you talk to yourself about your skills or the appraisal? Are you repeating the negatives and ignoring the positives? The conscious mind can only hold one thought at a time. It's up to you, to each of us, to determine what that thought will be. If self-talk is negative, we can immediately dispute it as soon as we become aware of its existence. So what if your overall appraisal wasn't "the best"? That doesn't make you a less than superior performer. Based on your last job, are you putting yourself down for not being up to par? Professional golfers aren't always up to par. Why should you be? Did you focus on your areas of strength, reading them again and again, as you looked at the ratings? Many times the natural anxiety brought about by being evaluated leads us to focus on negatives. I've tried highlighting my best ratings and reading them repeatedly -- even aloud.

Whether or not you ask for a second look from your supervisor, it's important to understand that the state of performance appraisals today has still not reached the level of rocket science. In other words, appraisals are not always valid or reliable. They usually involve a less-than-scientific measurement system of some kind, relying on subjective observation and personal opinion. Bias often creeps in, even when intentions are to be as objective as humanly possible, due to unconscious motives on the part of the person doing the rating. Even if your appraisal is re-done under the best circumstances, you may not get the scores you desire or deserve. Focusing on personal strengths and positive self-talk will go a lot farther to boost your motivation and performance than an ineffective appraisal ever will.

Keep up the good work.

Career Column: How Do You Know When It's Time to Call It Quits?

Dear Career Advisor:

I'm unhappy with my new job. I've only been on it for four months and it seems like, each day, I'm less and less satisfied with the office environment. My job is stressful, and the environment is not as professional as the office where I was previously employed. But how do I know that it's not just me having a hard time adjusting? Have I given the job enough time? It's a totally new career field that I like very much, so I was willing to take a pay cut. But now, I'm struggling to pay my bills. In addition, I don't feel supported by my new boss with some of the new skills I'm learning. I heard that I'm missed at my old job but I don't like jumping ship. How do you know when it's time to call it quits?

Unhappy Camper

Dear Unhappy Camper:

It is assumed that most of us, at some point, have felt underpaid and under appreciated for our efforts on a job. But what about situations where we are seriously struggling to make a decision about whether to go or stay? What about situations where our finances, families or health may be compromised by staying too long? Such circumstances must be assessed at a more grave level than mere 'disappointment' with a job. The following questionnaire will help with that assessment.

Note that this questionnaire does not necessarily apply to contract work, home-based enterprises or other self-employment (although some of the same conditions may be present). It applies to employment for which you receive a wage, salary or commission from an established company.

As with any self-assessment, the most important factor is that you are completely honest with yourself. Your results are private. So why not take a few minutes to honestly assess your situation, and then read the interpretation? You could be doing yourself a big favor. The assessment could even help to re-shape your job future.

Career Column:Manage Your Mind and Manage Your Time

You've delayed filing those letters? Your job search will be put-off for another day? No ideas on paper yet for the new marketing strategy that you need to try? Like a mosquito that bugs you, a time management problem is something you would squish in order to be more effective - if only you could. Often people swat at it too late, like they're late with so many things and events in their lives. They're bitten by the time management bug. What to do?

Managing time daily really means managing the mind throughout the day. In this article, we won't look at sophisticated project management tools, forms or tips for delegation. Instead, you'll be asked to look inside yourself and modify your thinking. We'll do this by briefly addressing three important practices that can be used to direct the mind.

1. "Be still and know."
Just like a mosquito bite, what starts out as an invisible sting the night before, can swell to a big and itchy problem by the time we look at it in the morning. So try this on for size. While in bed at the end of your day, quiet your mind by taking three deep breaths. Count them. It's hard to focus on useless self-chatter when the mind is focused on the act of counting and breathing. Continue to breath steadily as you begin to picture yourself actually doing one important thing you know how to do, but have put-off doing. Allow yourself time to get a clear image and let your subconscious mind absorb this action image for several seconds before letting it go. This practice of quieting yourself before sleeping may allow you to busy yourself in more productive ways upon arising without having to think about your actions so consciously. And, like counting sheep, this practice of counting breaths may help insomniacs like me... for an added benefit.

2. "We have met the enemy, and they are us."
Procrastination, putting off until later what you could be doing NOW, is a huge time management issue. Yet it's simply a symptom of a struggle -- a struggle within us to act on what is desired rather than what is needed at the moment. In the work setting, the needs of the company mission must be met before personal desires are met. Be your own commander. If you can't put self-command in your mind to do it now, it's not as likely to get done. Manage yourself and manage your time. One ongoing plan of attack is to stop and ask yourself, aloud in your work space if need be, "What is the best use of my time right now?" For most people there is a clear and present opportunity, rather than a danger, that jolts us into immediate action.

3. "Think in blue and white."
Among the strengths of the great thinkers and managers of our time is the practice of thinking on paper. If you can't mange yourself, you probably can't effectively manage anything or anyone else. So use paper to help you manage - plan, organize and remember - better. Some people put pressure on themselves to plan and remember details in their heads, as if they will be criticized for having a poor memory otherwise. But the best minds put thoughts in writing. Writing uses different areas of the brain than speaking or hearing. Use your brain to full advantage by thinking in blue and white (or whatever color of ink or lead you choose.) Just think on paper. It's a practice you will find to be more and more valuable when the ole' memory does actually start to fade; and for most of us, it will do just that.

The benefits of squishing a time management bug goes far beyond the obvious advantages in the workplace. They can include improved levels of personal fitness, healthier family finances, and even improved relationships. If you try the tips above, the thinking that underlies them just may help you to throw out the old and bite into some new strategies for a better day and a better you - as early as tomorrow.

Career Column: Is Employee Counseling for You?" (Or... The Path to EAP)

For some people, work is therapy. For some, it is a labor of love. Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychiatry, said the ability to balance work and love is a sign of maturity. But for some, the world of work keeps them off-balance, underperforming. Love has nothing to do with it and maturity is not the issue. Is that you? If so, what to do? Perhaps you could use the benefits of an EAP (Employee Assistance Program).

The interview to follow was conducted with Donna Coles, a licensed mental health therapist and EAP counselor based in Cleveland, Ohio. She will shed some light on some of the common concerns that negatively affect employees and how/when individuals might benefit from an EAP. Whether or not your employer offers an EAP, information from the interview will help you decide whether you can benefit from any type of employee counseling in order to increase your job satisfaction, job performance or life balance.

Interviewer: Donna, in its simplest form, what is an EAP?
Donna: An EAP is a benefit provided by employers for employees at no cost to the employee. This benefit is offered because most employers realize that operation and productivity are a direct function of the health, happiness, and overall well-being of its employees.

Interviewer: Suppose I'm having a problem with harassment at work. Could I benefit from an EAP?
Donna: Definitely. This is a behavioral conflict that can benefit through counseling. Potential benefits include enhanced moral and well-being, and reduced absenteeism. The service can also provide assertiveness-response training, information and referral as needed.

Interviewer: What specific services can an EAP provide to an individual?
Donna: EAPs provide short term counseling for individuals and groups. They also provide referrals for problems. For example, an employee with a drug addiction may be referred for an inpatient treatment program if needed. It can take the form of telephone counseling, tests to diagnose problems/tendencies, or crisis intervention at the job site.

Interviewer: Why would an employer offer such a service at no cost to the employee?
Donna: There is increasing awareness by employers of the financial losses attributed to such factors as turnover, burnout, stress, law suits, depression, substance abuse, workplace violence, or other problems. Some employers are able to assist employees with these issues. An EAP offers assistance by reducing unnecessary use of insurance plans.

Interviewer: How would an individual make a decision to get started in an EAP?
Donna: To participate in the EAP service is an employee's private decision. The EAP provider will protect his/her privacy. If the employee has been informed by the Human Resources department that an EAP is available, it's easy to access the services by calling the phone number provided.

Interviewer: Having started my career as a psychotherapist, I know people are often afraid to make that first call to get help. Do you agree that individuals should call a counselor anyway if they need help or support?
Donna: Yes, I agree. Address the issues and concerns before they become a crisis, if possible. Make the call. If your job does not have an EAP, there are community-based programs. Help is only a phone call away.

On a final note, if your work is not adding therapy to your life, perhaps you can add therapy to your work by looking into an EAP or some other form of employee counseling. Maybe it's just what you need to find more creative ways to reduce some frustration, pressure, and conflict in your life. The path to greater job satisfaction, better job performance and increased life balance is within reach.

Career Column: Well-Mannered Job Interviews and the Art of Question-Asking

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Job Seeker: Not really. Everything's pretty clear and I have another interview shortly. Thanks for your time. Could you please help me find the way out?

We have all heard about good manners making good first impressions, but what about last impressions? Aren't they important too? You bet they are! But it's not just about manners. Manners -- "please," "thank you," "pardon me"-- go a long way when making a generally good impression, but they won't help a candidate to be distinguishable from other candidates as the interview closes. For that, carefully worded questions are needed. Of course, good manners are always in order but this article goes beyond interview etiquette to provide clues that uncover the mystery of good question-asking on the part of the job seeker. Consider this scenario: Janet has been job hunting for three months. Frustrated and surprised that no offers have been made, she presents an impeccable resume showing excellent skills and the required entry-level experience. She practices good eye contact, sits erect while taking notes and carries company data in a great attaché case. So, where are the job offers? Perhaps they are buried in the last few words of every interview she completes.

First and last events in every single interview can stick strongly in the minds of interviewers. This is the simple psychology of memory -- last in last out. In other words, choose your last words carefully because they're bound to be remembered. What is asked by the job seeker can be just as powerful as the answers given to the interviewer's questions.

Whether expressed in the form of a question or a comment, the last words said to an interviewer (especially if emotion is sparked) can be remembered longer than any printed words in a resume. So it may pay, in the actual form of a pay check, to give thought to parting words.

Although many interviews (and thus, job opportunities) end like Janet's, with her presumption that she's making an impression of being "sought-after," they could end more effectively by asking any of the following questions:

Interviewer: Do you have any questions for me?
Job Seeker (1): Yes. In what two or three areas is it absolutely necessary to obtain key results for success in this position? These would be areas that make or break my success.
--Or--

Job Seeker (2): Thanks for asking. I've been wondering whether the mission of XYZ Company is expected to evolve with changing economic conditions?
--Or--

Job Seeker (3): I do... in the area of my personal match with the organization's needs. Where and how do you see my strengths primarily being used?

Each scenario (above) suggests well-executed questions that a wise job seeker can ask of any employer. The wording can be fine-tuned, always accompanied by good manners, to uniquely fit each interview situation. Also, each question allows the job seeker the ultimate opening to "horn-toot." For example, after the interviewer has answered the question about matching organizational needs, job seeker # 3 can add, "I can see also that my strengths in communication and problem-solving would serve your customers well," reminding the interviewer of this great asset. When time is not constrained, all three questions could be asked in the same interview and followed up with appropriate horn-tooting. Presto -- a good last impression.

No job seeker wants to leave an interview in a cloud of mystery, not knowing what kind of impression was made. The key is to take charge of the lasting good impression through the use of skillful questions, making the last few moments of the interview stick positively in the mind of the interviewer. Since we all want to be remembered in a good light, we can position ourselves as beacons of that light through well-mannered question-asking. The answers may lead to a great job offer.

Career Column: Your Island of Genius at Work

Are all people intelligent? There's no question in my mind that they are. Some would go so far as to say that every creature in the animal kingdom uses intelligence to learn from experience and adapt to their environment. But unless you're dealing with animals in your career, we'll stick to a discussion of finding your personal island of genius -- your intelligence -- and applying it to a job. So where is your island?

You don't have to take a complex I.Q. test to discover where your genius lies. Consider sincerely asking friends, family and co-workers the following question: "In your opinion, what are two of my greatest strengths" or "What do you think I do better than anyone else you know?" If they laugh (which they might do as an anxious response to a surprising question), simply smile and ask again. After all, if you don't take it seriously, why should they? With several answers to your serious questions, a pattern may emerge revealing an island of genius to use to full advantage in your work.

Shy about asking for feedback? You really don't even have to ask people for direct feedback to identify areas of your own high intelligence. Make a list of things you do well. Note a great accomplishment for each year of your life, including childhood years. Take a close look at past job appraisals or letters of recommendation to see if comments follow a trend. Or note what people say about you in general conversation. Does a pattern emerge? For example, more than one person has told me that they like the way I decorated my home. I spent hours glancing through the Sears catalog as a teenager selecting furnishings for my future home. A neighbor once asked, "Are you a decorator?" A 3-year-old child commented to his mother as he gazed at my foyer, "This is beautiful, mommy." Yes, even a child helped me to realize that I have good "spatial intelligence." This island of mine, and perhaps that of the 3-year-old, is taking shape over time. I recognize it, and it's up to me to decide how to use it.

Like mine, islands of genius don't have to be used directly in careers but can be pursued as personal hobbies or vocational interests. And they are unlimited, not just measured by mathematical ability or an understanding of words and language as in the I.Q. benchmarks of the last century. Reframe your 21st century mind and identify whether you would excel in a career that involves skills in musical ability (e.g., music conductor or composer), bodily-kinesthetic (the Michael Jordans and professional dancers of the world), interpersonal-communication, (an effective salesperson or teacher), or naturalistic ability (e.g., undersea explorers and others who find ways to survive in challenging natural environments). The point is not so much to label the area of intelligence but to identify and use unique skills for personal advantage in a job or even in a hobby that improves your quality of living.

As we seek to make a mark in the world of work or in our personal lives, those who bask in the sun of their own island of genius will find themselves the most satisfied and the least stressed...possibly even making the most money. And who doesn't want to make money while at the same time enjoying life? Pinpointing your island of genius goes a long way toward making that possible.

Career Column: Do Your Suffer From Loose Boundaries?

Did you ever stay home from work because you're genuinely sick, only to be dragged into feeling guilty (or at least an attempt) by the supervisor you called to report your plight? I sure have. This is an issue of psychological boundaries. Are yours intact? The supervisor in my case was obviously working from a loose boundary that she attempted to push over my way. Had I gone into work anyway, I might as well have been wearing the "push-over hat." Just like other things that are too loose-goosey, loose boundaries create ugly situations where all sorts of things can run rampant and leave big messes if not put in check.

What are Boundaries?
I think of boundaries as healthy walls that exist around me (and every thinking person) for the purpose of survival, proper relating and efficient protection of body, mind, spirit. Think of it as a personal force field that empowers us to be healthy and grow on the inside while protecting us from pests and other harmful effects on the outside. Force fields or boundaries are constantly being bombarded with energy, our own and others. As a child, were you taught to listen to your fears and tell someone, for example, if your body was being improperly touched? Or, you were teased at school to the point where it really hurt and you finally told the bully to "shove off.' If this was part of your upbringing, then you were probably empowered to maintain your force field in a healthy way. But some adults feel guilty, as if they're being rude or stepping on someone elses toes, just mentioning that they feel uncomfortable with another's words, gestures or presence. A deer in the woods doesn't apologize or feel hesitant to run away the moment that danger is sensed? Why should you? Adults need to take a lesson from deer and also run without hesitation when they sense danger in the workplace; questions can be asked later. This doesn't mean running away from responsibility but developing a new ability to respond in different ways.

Recognizing and Solving the Problem
The lack-of-boundaries problem is widespread and can cause losses on several levels -- from money to health to relationships to self-esteem. Adults are not always aware of when our minds and spirits, as well as our bodies, are being improperly intruded upon or inappropriately "touched." Invasions of personal boundaries are even harder to recognize than the invasion of body snatchers. Sometimes the violation goes on and on, way past the initial situation where boundaries were crossed. But they all take the ultimate toll of disconfirmation, as seen in such symptoms as

feeling bad
giving up on your dreams/desires
thinking, "something isn't right here" or "this shouldn't be happening"
inability to maintain self-control
depression (which various studies say 25% of adults seriously suffer from at some point)
anxiety
general anger, at no one or nothing that can be readily identified
the inability or unwillingness to say or listen to "No"
failure to follow through with major obligations
talking way too much or way too little
letting people get away with things that constantly bother us

There could be more symptoms that you notice for yourself. Adults who take notice of symptoms in themselves could benefit from a "BOUNDARIES CHECK." We'd have fewer messes to clean-up later by taking a lesson from our deer friends and responding now. Consider that you can assertively grunt back, step back, round-up reinforcements, self-empower or even run when frightening or inappropriate things happen in the workplace. You are bound to gain short-term benefits from your efforts, and they may even last a lifetime. Good boundary-tightening to you!

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